Our River

It’s the 4th of July and this is the second (maybe third :/ ) year that I have not been with my kiddos. The last two years it has fallen on “his day”, and I just let him have them because I know holidays are hard for him ( ummm, because he tells me every single holiday in at least one text to remind me of “how hard holidays are”…but I digress). They are hard, with or without the kids, because he doesn’t have his “Whole Family”. To him, this would include me. I believe deep down that we have completed our main “contracts” in this life. We have entered into some new ones now; how to co-parent from a place we have never been.

Life is a river, flowing heavy at times, down to a drought at others. We may be paddling upstream at times, going against flow. We could be wading in a more open flat, slow flow where you can take in the scenery and just be. We may be in a state of total flow, going downstream slowly and then picking up pace as we get closer and closer to our life purpose. This, all of this, is life. We don’t get to always pick how the water is flowing, but how we act when the water is the way it is. Do we fight against it? Do we let it take us down and trust its rate of flow? Do we stop to breathe and take in life when we do get our “pauses”?

I may not be with my amazing, sweet, unique, spectacular, sometimes really difficult, six kiddos today, but this is where I am at in my river of life … and that is okay. I need to take in what is around me, what I do have to be grateful for, and count my blessings, because I know there are still many!

Connecting through Social Media

As I sit in the Oasis Chill Lounge, in an Adirondack chair typing this post, you might think I am on a beach in a tropical location enjoying a pina colada, the sound of waves, the feeling of the warm sun above me, and sand below me. Instead, I am drinking a Diet Coke, with the sounds of screaming young girls in every direction, announcers on mics, and various music playing to my left and right. While it’s 80 degrees outside, inside it’s more like 69 inside, and below my feet is a green rug imitating grass.

I am at VidCon 2017 in Anaheim, CA. This huge convention center transforms into an dream land for all people who love the connections that are made online through the various media formats. YouTube stars host meet and greets and live stage Q and A’s. Instagram has a large set-up where pics can be taken on plastic white donuts hanging from their booth. Taco Bell is testing the Fantasy Freeze drink, which picks up on the Unicorn/Magical craz happening these days. The Genius Kitchen lets visitors decorate their own donuts. Everybody has about five popsockets (free at most booth carrying the branding of various sponsors). And, YouTube stars are selling their products from make-up, to jewelry, to shirts and books. Lines wrap around each booth and over three days, its not hard to fill one of many free bags, with free merchandise! Who would have known that YouTube was going to turn into a marketing giant platform for so many?

This is my second VidCon. I came with my then 12-year-old son and one of his best friends last year as well. They LIVE and LOVE the online world – maybe more so than what had been the rage of Hollywood and its celebrities, when I was a teen. The various online media platforms allow for anybody to be a “star” even if it is just within their own school or community. The other day, some guy dressed up as a shark on a skateboard was all the rage online in my hometown.

I can honestly say that one of the key components in my son feeling okay to come out as gay at 11-years-old was due to his idol, Joey Graceffa. This young man created his own channel and by simply being himself, sharing his life openly with his audience and later writing a book about his journey (he too is gay), this gave my son the strength to be himself. Not only did it make it “okay” to be gay, but it gave his friends the permission to love him regardless of his orientation.

This year, I noticed so many young people walking around with “Free Hug” signs with the hope to further connect to their peers. The range of people here is vast. Old, young, trendy, cozy, every color hair, style and person is here. The online world does not discriminate. This group of people might be the cutting edge of what we all desire in life; to be authentic, to be connected to others, and to have a voice (if one so chooses). The online world is not ruled by producers, directors, writers, crews teams, and actors. Here you can learn to be all those things for yourself if you want to create content and put it out there for the world to see. I believe this is why this world has become so popular. People get to be who and what they want and the audience is the judge of popularity. Being popular online could mean 1000 instagram followers for someone, or a comment of “You look great!”. Youth find validation in their online community. It is their truth and who are we to deny them that?

There has been much written about how with social media and texting/direct messaging, there is a disconnect with youth and those who learn to communicate through these means. I would argue this community is more connected to other people than we ever have been. My kids have great friends who live across the country. They get to see diversity in all its colors. The online community has embraced all those who may have been deamed “unpopular” – those with mental health challenges, the LGBTQIA+ community, those with various talents and skills. Yes, even those who love video gaming have found a place to really belong and join in a community of their own – no longer “alone” gaming in their rooms. Now millions watch people game online. The internet connects us to people now more than we ever have before.

Some will say the internet and its ability to reach everyone and anyone anywhere at anytime is a horrible thing. I like to look at the positives. I can see the yin and yang of it all. I focus on the positives. I see the internet and its reach as societies inability to confine thinking. Access to people, talks, videos, opinions, and the link open us up to live a more free life. As I say to many, “We don’t know what we don’t know.” — Thus, information is finally free!! We can look up and research the heck out of anything and more and more information, opinions, thoughts, videos, comments, blogs, vlogs, posts, etc. allow us to think freely.  We can more clearly tap into who we are and who we are meant to be from the other people’s truths.

I believe we are here to form connections, to see ourselves in others, to love and accept those that are different than us and to better understand the human nature. The internet provides us with a look at humanity from so many angels. Almost anything is “Googleable”. I learned to fix the headlights of my Prius on my own by watching a YouTube video. My friend completely repaired her own dryer through an online video. We are in an age where we can stay connected to family and friends by the click of an app. We receive news in real-time. We can learn about someone we are may work with, date, or just find interesting in the matter of minutes.

While I was going through difficult times in my life, I found inspiration through online videos of talks from various authors, inspirational speakers, and educators. I learned that I was not alone in my stuggles. There are groups on Facebook for just anyone looking for human connections around a current life struggle. We do not need to look far for human connection online. While it may not be a hug, or face-to-face interaction, there is healing to be found by the words of those who are brave enough to post. And, should you have the opportunity to visit VidCon, you will meet so many people who just want to connect and perhaps a free hug or two!

Try New Things

When we give ourselves permission, room, and trust to try new things, we give ourselves a life rich with memories and moments that are not easily forgotten. I have many friends who stick to what they know they like. It is too much of a risk to try something new on the menu, when you already know you will like the same one, two, or three different dishes. What if you did get something different and hated it!! That would just be a waste, right? WHAT IF, you actually did like it? Now you have a fourth dish to add to the list of plates you might order again.

We should be trying something new everyday – even if its just the free sample at Costco or Sam’s Cub! When we experience something new, we create a fresh, new memory that will imprint deeper in our minds than if its a repeated event or experience. Have you ever wondered where the day went or where the week went, or how the year went by so fast? It is because your life is on autopilot and repeat!! When you notice the most is if you have a new experience such as a new restaurant, a new place you visited, your first kiss, your first musical, etc.

The first time you experience something new, the more solidifying “it” becomes in my your memory. Therefore, if you want to have a day feel like a week, do all new things in a new place. This is the key to keeping life interesting and memorable. This is also why our childhood is so much more memorable than at other points of in our life. As children, so much of life is new, exciting, and sometimes frightening. Generally, we have others around us we can look to for support. We see Mom eating the weird green food on her plate, so we trust that it is also safe for us to try. We trust our parents to bring us to places where we will have fun such as the beach, a park, camping, etc. Each experience hits all our senses in ways we will then forever associate with that moment in time.

I don’t remember the first time I went to the beach because I grew up going to the ocean. As a junior high student, my parents bought my siblings and I a beach bus pass. The bus would come by twice a day in the morning and drop off twice a day in the afternoon a quarter block from my house. We rode that bus almost every summer day down to Zuma Beach, CA. The specifics of my summer teen beach days are all blurred together. I know I lived at the beach. I had the darkest tan of my life and was always sandy. Each day we would try and catch seagulls by burying a sibling under the sand and putting food on top of them until the bird came by to eat it. Once the bird started walking on your buried body, you would do a quick sit-up and try to catch the bird (it never actually happened – but it was fun trying).  We also made “pee cups” all the time because the bathroom was too far away. It was easier to sit in the sand, and pee! I know its sounds gross, but it was so fun to dig out the peed on sand (which would be in a clump) and throw it at one of my brothers. My point is … those were great summers, but its all just one big blur. Had I done something different every few times I went to the beach (brought different things to eat or play with), went to different parts of the beach, took different people, etc then I would be able to better differentiate those summer days.

When you find yourself in a rut – TRY SOMETHING NEW . . . Anything new. The more willing you are to branch out, the more you will be able to Live Open to what this world has to offer you and then Value Everything you have experienced because it helped you grow, learn, and create a life full of distinct, enriching, diverse life experiences.

 

 

Logic in Life

Inspired by a 20-something-year-old rapper/teacher/leader…he will inspire you too!

When I am in my boyfriends truck, he often puts on rappers that I do not know. He sings/raps along and it really amazes me because my brain doesn’t process that kind of music fast enough to “sing along”. Last week, I was trying to really listen to the lyrics and step away from the beat. He was playing a young artist who goes by the name Logic. He has mentioned Logic to me many times, but for some reason, this time I stopped and listened. I was blown away by the messages of love, peace, hope, acceptance, life purpose fulfillment, and knowledge of the way things work/are. From there I thought, “I need to know more about this guy.”

When I got home, I started doing some research into this artist. What is his story? Is he just selling a message or is he living the message he shares? What is “his story”? What is his “identity” and what beliefs has he attach to himself in this regard? There is no question that he can write and rap music … but who is the man behind the lyrics and beat?

Here is what I discovered after watching several hours of him on YouTube (interviews and his documentary):

Logic is a humble, smart man who to many is a guru, teacher, philosopher, and example that when we are in alignment with our life purpose, we are happy and full in this human experience. He has one track on his album “Everybody” called “Waiting Room” – see below. If his message is meant to resonate with you, it will as it did me! For a long time, I did not know there were too many others who thought this way (like me). I believe Logic has stepped back and can see life from a much broader perspective. I am reminded of a quote from Buddha, “If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.” Logic sees through the same clear window as Buddha and many other inspired spiritual leaders.

His life circumstances growing up were super challenging. He is a bi-racial man who was surrounded by addictions and violence growing up (just as he had planned prior to this life). He uses his human experiences to connect his message of struggle and love.  He is a great example of a man who is living open and values everything (L.O.V.E). His message fills a need in the music industry. His music transcends our form, background, and life circumstances. This one (Take it Back) is one of my favs because it not only has a great melody that gets stuck in my head, but his message is profound. #LoveLogic

Watch how he has impacted others here:

Shame is Not a Game to Pickup

So often, others will consciously or subconsciously try to shame us into feeling bad about ourselves, our choice(s), our appearance, or any other aspect of our life. The father of my children is REALLY good at dropping the “Shame Ball” at my feet. So often, I could not help but pick it up. I felt bad about myself in so many ways. He plays the victim pretty well – someone should give him an academy award. The other day, he started in on how I basically ruined his life – he didn’t want to get divorced. He was so self-centered (a full blown narcissist) that he could not even see how he had hurt me over the years. He did not notice the change in our relationship. He NEVER thought I would leave him…until I did. The thing about narcissist is that while they seem really confident and full of themselves, they are weak and so self conscious. They have a really difficult time being honest about life experiences and need to blame others, shame others, and be the victim to any and everyone who will listen.

Now he drops shame balls every chance he gets (ugh, “when will it ever end” I ask myself all the time?!?!). I used to carry these balls of shame around with me, feeling bad about what had happened, passing blame, accepting blame, not feeling good enough for anyone or anything in my life. Then I just decided one day, I was going to stop believing his story. I was done picking up the shame he was laying down. I am good enough. I am smart enough. I am pretty enough. I am worthy. I am strong. I am that I am.

When we can stop living in the past, accept that now is all we have, and let the shame game go, we can be whole and get back on our path towards our life purpose. We need to not shame others – lets pick our words carefully. We need to do our best to leave the shame bombs others are dropping – do not give them power because they are lies! Anytime someone brings you down, they are not living at a high frequency – they are so low in power that they need others to be there with them. Only when we decide to not get wrapped up in the shame game, then we are living open and valuing ourselves enough to be who it is we are meant to be.

Organic Snobs or Caring Moms

I watched a show today about GMO’s in our foods and how they are allegedly poisoning us. I always thought “organic” meant I was better than the next person and walked around with my noise in the air — that was my “belief” …omg, where did this come from?

It is bizarre to try and trace back a deep rooted belief to find its source. Was it influenced by our parents, our friends or siblings, or society; our schools, media, or communities? For me it really isn’t super important the experience surrounding the origin, just that I can pinpoint the actual time in my life. This way, I can think of all the human experiences, where I put a belief into motion and gave it energy. I could now discern that those times are a product of a belief I told myself was true for years – and not the real, true, whole, worthy spiritual and human being I am.

With the ability to live open and find value in everything, I watched a show about GMO’s in our foods and from now on, I will buy organic when it is available or better yet, I will seek it out. I will not be walking around the store with my organic basket of items with my nose in the air … for heavens sake, I have six kiddos, my hair lives in a ponytail and if I put Chapstick on I am wearing make-up. By being buying organic I am sending the message that it is important for Mom’s to do this for their families and break the stigma that is attached to buying organic.

My life, and that of my children’s, will forever be changed in small or large ways because of one human experience I chose to listen to with an open mind.

Following Your Blis

Today I visited with my Chiropractor. He is a very nice man with a gift of communication. He is well spoken, listens to the client and articulates back what he is hearing to make sure there is synchronisity in his treatment meeting my pain. He is well liked by his clients and takes the time to really get to know them. He seems like he loves his job and his life.

Looks can be deceiving. Now, it’s not that he is unhappy (I learned a lot today) – it’s that he wants to do something different in life and HAD no intention of ever doing it until I started diving into his life with 1,000 questions.

It began when I asked him about ObamaCare and if it hurt or helped his practice. He proceeded to inform me that in our state, Chiropractic was not covered under the state health plan. Therefore, it neither helped or hurt him professionally. He went on to say, it could have helped him (and thousands of others) had the plan covered at least a handful of Chiro visits a year, but I digress.

Dr. Mark continued to talk about how much time he spends on maintaining the business side of his practice. He is so bogged down with the day-to-day office side, that it has taken the joy out of the healing side, to some degree. I asked him if he could do it all again, knowing what he now knows about the challenges of processing insurance, managing an office, accounting, marketing, etc, would he choose this same profession over again. He said, “No. I would be a history teacher.”

Hold up, a chiropractor, who would rather be a teacher! That was so amazing and not what I thought he would have ever said. I asked him what was stopping him from going out and taking the steps now to one day sell his business and retire teaching! He proceeded to tell me all the reasons why it couldn’t work and I gave him all the reasons why it could and probably should.

When we are called to do something, and in that something, we find joy … then we are in our life’s purpose! This will in its very form bring us more joy, synchronisity, and flow to our life. When we are listening to our higher self, our own intuition, our HEART, then we are exactly where we are suppose to be.

We do not and cannot always make our careers our life purpose. Perhaps our life purpose is to learn and demonstrate kindness. There are several avenues in which we can meet this purpose. We could purse a job in the service industry or we could work any number of other jobs that are completely unrelated. Then, we might meet this purpose through our life’s everyday interactions, where we are given experiences to learn kindness and/or demonstrate kindness. Both of these scenarios fulfill our soul purpose, just through different means. One is no better or worse than the other.

Today, I was able to open up a Type A, doesn’t like change, pessimistic man and show him that it is possible to shift — to move from where we are towards what we really desire in our lives. I gave him tools and strategies that flowed through my mind like a ongoing running faucet. What he chooses to do with those ideas moving forward is up to him. I cannot do his work, but should he be willing to set fear aside for a few minutes and begin to google search his life, he will see he just got into the river with a sturdy craft and is making his way down stream.

Let your record skip

Our life can be compared to a record album with various tones, tempos, themes, and melodies. Each song represents a phase in our life. We often repeat the same kind of song (aka experiences) with slight variations – sometimes an artists sound/songs sound very similar. We can see this most apparent in relationships where the same problems arises even with completely different people, and in different aspects of life (work, home, friends, etc.)

However, sometimes we hit milestones and our song changes. We learn to adjust to the change and find our flow again. We may then move, as though sleep walking, through that song (or section of our life). It is not good or bad, it just is what it is and its fine. There are good days, busy days, off days, sick days and there are struggles, but mostly we simply move through the life a verse at a time.

But what happens when our record player gets bumped, maybe on accident (the illness or death of a loved one), or on purpose (marital affairs, addictions, etc), and now our song (the one playing – this phase of our life) has a skip! First thing first, we need to forgive the person who caused the skip in our song! In reality, they were just helping us to wake up to what is real and see we have been playing the same song over and over again.

So, what the heck is a skip? Well the skip is perhaps the most important event that can happen in your life…

Skips force us to wake up out of the zone and systematic way of living. We are challenged in new ways that we are unprepared for.  To acknowledge the skip lets us see that our life was a song on repeat, and there is a WHOLE other reality out there just waiting for us to remember (heck we wrote this album before we came here – to this human experience), so lets see it, and bond with it. This shift can be the most positive force for good!

Lets be honest, often the skips in our life suck, they hurt, they dig deep, and can tare us apart. They play over and over and we feel stuck on one glitch in our life that we are unsure how to get past!! We may have to move, get divorced, accept the death of a loved one, change jobs, or struggle through an illness – basically it is starting over in one or many aspects of your life.

However, lets find the good in the skip so we can move past it. It is within these moments, where we are forced to do something different and GROW as a human being. We need to be open to new songs, different songs, collaborating with other artists or genres for our album of life. When we can accept our imperfection, big mistakes, life “take backs”, or what others may have put upon us without invitation, we really learn what life is about. Incredible growth comes through incredible pain…it is then that we can unite as one in empathy, forgiveness and love.

Goldfish do not know what water is, do they?

When fish are born, they only know water. It is all around them all the time. They may have a few experiences of being taken out of water during the course of their life.  Without this horrifying experience of not being able to breathe out of the water, fish would be complacent to their environment. Are we complacent to our environments?

I was a fish and swam around doing whatever until I was taken out of the water. It was during this time, my darkest deepest moments in life, where I could not even find my own breathe that I grew and learned life is not just about water — which I never knew even existed because it was just always there … until it wasn’t. Gasping for … water … and only getting this cold, dry, dense air, which was extremely painful, that I knew this was a hard space to be in. What had I done to deserve this pain?? I was just swimming along minding my own business and then SWOOP, I was dragged here – in terrible agony – to a new reality.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I had just been adopted to live in Jenny’s room where she will will love and care for me until the day I die. My ride to her house was even scary – not knowing where I am or where I am going in life. Then all of the sudden, I am literally put into a new, neutral, bigger space with neat looking trees, a little colorful house, regular meals I don’t have to fight for anymore – this is really heaven on earth. And it was all mine – a home, a place where I knew that everything here was safe. I now know that going around thinking this is it, was worse than where I am now, and even though I had to have a very shocking and horrifying life experience to get here, I am better off for it – there is a purpose to all things in life!

So, it’s okay when our record skips or we can’t breathe through one of life’s hardest moments. Take it in with love and acceptance knowing it was always needed for you to continue to progress in this life. Be grateful, forgive, love all, live open to new songs and new environments. Our record will continue to skip, maybe faster or slower than the person next to us, but it is for the growth of our collective consciousness. Lets take time to listen to others people’s songs and we can learn to see we are just like them – pain is pain just as love is love, regardless of how it came to us.

Dreams Imitating Reality

Sometimes we just need a good walk and some fresh air. I woke up today thinking, “Oh my goodness . . . I have SO much I need to do and not enough time!!!” My heart started racing a little, my mind started to organize all the to do list items into categories, time frames, and possible outcomes for varying choices. I was so overwhelmed that I . . . took a nap – well after running a few errands first. I honestly thought, I just need to sleep on it.

Well, my dreams were bonkers and super vivid. I dreamt of being at a giant entertainment industry weekend casting call for any and all types of positions in the industry. It was at some hotel with a Costco down the street. Adam Sandler came over with only a towel on and I had to ask my boyfriend to give him a pair of shorts to wear because well . . . he needed them. They proceeded to hit it off and went up to the rooftop to hang out, talk and who knows but I was asked to bring them up food. The whole dream was about all the challenges I had in getting the food, remembering what food to get for who, carrying the food, and then to find Adam driving next to me on the freeway (after I stopped at Costco) and I literally had whoever was next to me pass the food to him, from my passenger window to him driving 60 MPH.

I woke up feeling really displaced and almost dizzy. I quickly got up, put on some workout clothes and went for a walk. I don’t have all the answers to my list of to do items, but at least I know “sleeping on it” just shows me more creative ways to say the same thing – I am feeling overwhelmed.

Our dreams are just an extension of us and if we look at them closely, we can learn from them. They show us our life, our heart, our mind, and our soul. Right now, my dream is telling me I just need to start small. I think a warm shower is in order 🙂

Guardian Angels are Real

The notion of true love, soul mates, and romantic endings – is it real? I like to believe it is real. I think we all have moments, hours, days, even years, or lifetimes of this being real for us or people we know. If we have not yet experienced it, or only experienced it for a short time, does not mean it is not real and cannot be real for all of us.

I have maybe been “in love” a handful of times. Why can’t I put an exact number on it? Well, I suppose with each relationship I thought, “This is LOVE!  – He is THE one!” and then it didn’t work out for one reason or another. However, in that moment, the love I felt, the love he gave, the love we shared, was my truth and to me it was very real.

I loved all the different Ryan’s in my life. Starting in the 4th grade, I had a HUGE crush on just about every boy named Ryan. There was Ryan F. in 4th and 5th grade. He was athletic, beautiful and super smart. I would take what change I could find around the house, walk up to the local grocery store, buy whatever candy or hostess products I could afford and leave them on his doorstep. Yes, he was my “first love”. It was not reciprocated, but that’s okay. Then in Junior High, I went through Ryan F___ (a different Ryan from the 4th grade, where I lived in Colorado). He was suuuuuuper dreamy. Honestly, one of the most attractive guys EVER. I heard he had sex with his babysitter and I didn’t care. This Ryan was very popular and didn’t give me the time of day. I don’t think he knew about me until later on in high school. I crushed on him for a long time. Again, not reciprocated at all. Then came Ryan M. He lived down the street from me.  We rode the same bus to school. He was so cute, shy, and kind of just kept to himself. I again, thought buying his love was the answer, so on valentines day, I went all out and when we got off the bus, I gave him a huge basket of candy. I do not think he was impressed…embarrassed is more like it. He and I were at least sort of friends. A group of us would play down in the drainage system under the newly constructed homes where we lived until the city got smart and put up a fence so we couldn’t just walk right in from the local park. This was followed by short crushes on a Ryan C who was diagnosed with something in junior high and everyone started crushing on him while he went through whatever it was (again, my memory sucks). The Ryan crushes ended in Junior High and then I found a John. He was pretty much my high school … and if I am being honest, I think there is still a tiny part of me that will always wonder if things could have been different. But we are both happy and in two very different places in life these days.

When I “crush on a guy”, I crush hard. I feel deeply and perhaps this is what helps me find so much empathy for others in my life and even for those I do not know at all.  This “gift” of being able to connect to people on an emotional level is sometimes a “curse” too  – it has its pros and cons. While I love unconditionally, I also feel the loss of  or disappointment in that love equally deep.  It is a perfect yin and yang, a balanced scale of “good and bad” or experiencing polarity. You see, the deeper we are able to love, then the more we know about this gift as a whole. It has the ability to heal and fill our lives with so much pure joy. The curse is that once that is gone, we see the opposite impact to our hearts. Would you give up the pain, but miss the dance? Not me.

My marriage failed a long time ago and I hung on, pretending it was okay and enough. However, once I had the strength to be true to me, my life purpose, and the responsibility to my children to see healthy relationships, I knew what we had needed to change. I opened pandoras box and started communicating my feelings. Not having done this (maybe really EVER in our relationship) sent him over the edge and the addiction I knew was lurking blew up in my face. Saying no to a porn/sex addict, was not going to be met with a friendly, “It’s okay babe, lets work through this” approach. Needless to say, that relationship served many lessons and continues to help me grow in ways that are often painful. I am so ready to be done with this particular “college course” in life, so I can more fully move into my new purpose. To me, life is a series of college level classes with labs and lots of homework/tests. Some courses, I get A’s, while others, I am hardly passing. Needless to say, to move on in my eternal progressions, college graduation is the only way.

Today, I am in a very different kind of relationship with a man (lets call him “Jay”), who has taught me more about myself, sacrifice, patience and passion, following your heart, choosing optimism and living fully than anyone prior. Before Jay, I had no idea this kind of relationship really existed. I would read books full of connected men and women and watch these love stories thinking, “There is no way that is real?!” Are there really men out there who love so deeply, romantically, with all they are and all they want to be? I am here to tell you, men like this are real, they do exist and I am doing my best to raise my boys with this kind of love, passion, integrity and vision of what is possible.

I did not know what it was like to fight, make up, and grow stronger together. I was a pro at burying my feelings. I did not know how to freely express what was on my heart and mind without any fear of retribution … and now I had a boyfriend who did not judge my situation, he just kept asking, “What else?” until I was done expressing everything that had been bottled up. I did not know that being intimate could bring me to tears of complete joy.  I had never connected with another human being the way our souls and our hearts would mush together with something as simple as soft, beautiful, positive intended, freely given, expecting nothing in return, kiss.

I keep asking him if he is my guardian angel who manifested into real life knowing I was going to end up in a real hard place, without the skills of how to find my purpose. Was he here to show me the way, to show me what I did not know really existed so I could never go back to not knowing? Was here forever or just for today?

In the end, I have no clue if we are forever, or if today will be the last day we have together as a couple. What I do know is I am grateful for everything I have learned from him and our relationship. I now know that the stories I had seen, read, or heard, were real and could also be real for me. I just needed to find myself, stand up for myself, and move through the sludge I had let pile up around me. Each day continues to be one day closer to where I want to be, who I want to be, and what I want in all my current and future relationships – a love that gives expecting nothing in return and can last through any challenge. A love that will challenge me to see the better way to go, and gently help me get back on course when I have veered. Our guardian angels come in all different relationships, but in the end, they are there to show us what real love is and can be for each and everyone of us.

I take lots of pictures of Jay and I in our various life experiences, because with my horrible memory, I never want to forget him, this love or what it has done for me in this life.  Guardian angles are real and mine happens to be a gracious, thoughtful, smart, young, beautiful, giving, happy, animal loving, open and spiritual man who fills the current “title” of my boyfriend.